One life. One chance to get it right.

After much thought, I have decided to leave most of my thoughts for another day because this is a journey I want to document right-- giving each chapter it's proper due. So thus I begin with my preface... my introduction... my statement of intent.

I want to be honest. I want people to see. I want people to understand. I want people to love more honestly. I want people to know they are not alone if they are struggling too. I want people to see me for who I really am in this moment- not who I used to be or who they want me to be. I want people to see the profound peace and light that's possible when we answer the call of our soul. I want people to see the struggles of someone shedding the chains of society. I  want people to see just one way to let go and let God work his mighty miracles in someone's life. I want people to see that the soul really can heal the pain, mistakes, weaknesses that we inevitably experience in this mortal existence. i want people to see just how truly infinite we really are-- infinite in our being, in our potential and in our power for good.

With that wish, I give you a list. This list, though not conclusive, are the philosophies/beliefs that are most important to me right now in my life. These are my morals. They are my guiding lights.

1. I believe above all else in love. Pure, unadulterated, liberated love has the power to change ourselves, change our relationships, and change the world. So I have decided to love-- without labels, without restrictions, without ego. You see, "love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective." This means learning to love another person-- irregardless of their station in life, their gender, their religion.

2. My Soul, that spark of Divinity within me, will guide me to the experiences/people/places I need to so the River of Life will smooth the jagged edges of my imperfect Being.  "We... are here for the purpose of gaining all the knowledge and experience which can be obtained through earthly existence, of developing virtues which we lack and of wiping out all that is wrong with us, thus advancing towards the perfection of our natures. The Soul knows what environment and what circumstances will be enable us to do this, and hence He places us in that branch of life most suited for that object." Well said, Dr. Bach, well said.

3. I believe in seeking out the Truth wherever it may be found. I have found Truth already in the Book of Mormon and will continue to search that godly book for more Truth. I have found truth in books written by spiritual guides, former Monks, English doctors. I have found Truth in spending quality time with Mother Earth. I have found Truth when conversing with new friends, old friends, family and strangers.You know Truth when it fills your Being with light, with peace, with the feeling of godliness.

4. Let Go and Let God... Let go of the past. Let go of the future. "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have." Only then, only by immersing yourself in the present moment can God work his miracles. For that is how Nephi lived his life-- being led by the Spirit not knowing before what he should do. We could all learn from Winnie the Pooh-- "What day is it?" Pooh asked. "It's today," squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. Let today be your favorite day.


I'm striving to follow my Soul wherever it leads. This path may look crooked to some but I know, as long as I'm facing the Light, I cannot be in the wrong. I look forward to sharing my thoughts, my experiences, my trials, my joys with those who will take time to listen. 

Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith

My ride home from work takes me right along a river. The sun was setting and the river was perfectly still. I was breathing, taking it all in and the words of Jesus came to mind:

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin"

How can it be that it comes so easy to trust (or one could even say "believe") that the sun will rise each day yet when it comes to trusting in the Master of all creations or the very laws which make the sun rise, we hesitate and stumble? 

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding"

My own understanding is very limited; that is what's so frustrating about being mere mortals. If you are anything like me, I take comfort in reassurances. Fine, if I'm being totally honest, I need it so bad I"ll take it from random strangers. But that, I am coming to learn, means you do not really trust. I spent 26 years of my life thinking I trusted in God, believed he would take care of me but I don't. Not really. My trust comes in the form of "You're gonna take care of me... right?" or "Yeah, yeah.... I'm going to be okay. Yeah, I got this... yeah, here's a list of 435 reasons why this is a good idea. Yeah... we got this". Shocking the universe doesn't think I really trust it right?

There was a family of ducks crossing the river today. I thought to myself, "I bet the only thing that mother duck is thinking about is the fact that she's in the water, crossing to the other side with her babies. She is not chatting with her girlfriends, seeking confidence that crossing the river is a good idea. She simply knows." She trusts in herself, in nature, in her Creator.  She trusts just as the river she swims in trusts that if it needs to go somewhere, the wind will provide the way.

Oh how I longed to be as trusting as Mother Duck or Brother River in that moment. How I longed to have the peace which "passes all understanding". Such peace that surely only comes when trust is in your heart; from knowing that as surely as the sun will rise, so shall you. Each day.

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that [trust] him."

So how? How do I be like Mother Duck? How do I begin?
Step One--  "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have."
Step Two-- Take a deep breath and leap.
Step Three-- Remember the lilies.  

The Square

It was in middle school. I was doing my normal "reading the newspaper purely for the comics" when I stopped to read an article. It told of a child abuse case in which this little boy's parents beat him with an electrical cord. They did other forms of abuse but that was the one that stuck out to me. My sheltered reality came tumbling down and there, admist the rubble, stood a girl who could not fathom why anyone would want to hurt a child in such a way. And then I remember the clear desire to hold that little boy in my arms and make sure no one ever hurt him again. It was that day I decided to become a children's social worker. My dreams have taken many forms since then but that story has remained with me, haunting me.

What did that boy need? What do the millions of children around the world need? Something stuck out ot me at the very end of The Square (a documentary of Egypt's revolutions on Netflix. Check it out!). Ahmed, one of the revolutionaries, said that he wasn't looking for a leader in Egypt, "someone to rule over us" but rather, he was looking to create a conscience. That is what would rule Egypt.

Conscience (n): 1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives,              impelling one toward right action
       2. the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the               actions and thoughts of an individual
     
If we created a conscience, then good leaders would naturally rise. Or would we even need them at all? Replace "conscience" with "love":

If all of us had perfect love for every other person,

there would then be no need to have any other laws 

or commandments. Each of us would base his/her thoughts,

actions, and statements upon how they affected every other

soul, and we would do, think and say nothing that might

be harmful to another.

To build a global conscience where love was the rule of law would require more time and effort and resources than we might have the capacity to give. But that does not mean we stop striving. "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37). God. That is the key. Not so much converting people to your religion because we know that often creates more problems than it solves but it's remembering what is good about your religion. The compassion. The charity. The forgiveness. The hope. The selflessness. The holiness.That is the conscience this world so sorely needs.

Every aspect of the universe is breathing with life, with energy:: every person, every object, every animal. There energies collide as two ripples in a pond. Everyone is affected whether you are aware of it or not. In this way, every interaction we have produces a new energy that is sent out in the universe-- a good energy or a bad energy.

 I went to a mediation class last Saturday. The mentor taught us a mantra that was important he said: "I am nothing. I know nothing. I want for nothing." Every time I said "I am nothing" my body rejected it. "I am not nothing", my soul said to me, "I am everything. I am the light from the sun. I am the sound of the birds I hear outside. I am the love I feel for my friends and family. I am ......" So that must mean I am literally made up of all the energy I surround myself with every day. I am only because of my interactions with others. It is what creates me. It is what makes my existence real.

Now what if this energy being created was the way to create a conscience. We need to be creating positive energy so that the conscience we are building is a positive one. How do we do this? By having positive interactions with everything around us. This is more than a good word exchanged between friends once a month.

 What would happen if all the food we ate was grown with love and eaten with gratitude? What would happen if when walking home from work or school, you thanked the trees for giving you shade? Stopped to smell the beautiful flowers in bloom? Didn't kill the bug you found in your room but rather scooped it up with a paper and took it outside?

What would happen if every time you went to the grocery store, you smiled, talked with, loved the person scanning your groceries? Or when you went to the movie theater, do you bother to call the workers by their name? I mean, they do wear name tags don't they?

What if we took advantage of the thousands of opportunities presented to us each day? These connections do more than create love, peace, happiness and place it out in the universe-- they weave together fibers connecting all one to another. Soon, those fibers become stronger, unbreakable until the world is blanketed with the fabric of love. Love is the strongest material there is.

So what do I need to do? That was my original question. What is my role in all of this? I need to be more aware of the energy I'm creating with others. I need to learn more about Futbol so the next time I'm in a pub in a foreign land, I can make conversation with the fellows watching the latest Euro match. I need to kill less bugs; spend more time outside creating bonds with Mother Earth. I can learn basic nursing so when there is a sickness around, I can offer loving, knowledgeable hands to help. I can buy an acre of land and plant fruit trees so my whole neighborhood can enjoy the fruits of summer. I can start looking people in the eye so they know I truly see them; really learn their names and call them by it so they know they're more than just a face.

I need to be so committed to the idea that love is what the world needs that I literally become love. Personify it. Embody it in body, spirit, mind. 

My Two Cents about NOAH

In one of my Humanities classes in college, my teacher told us that with the invention of the camera, art suddenly had the freedom to capture more that what their eye could see. Thus, modern art became a pursuit of imagination, doing what has never been done before, introducing worlds people have never seen. It made art more powerful.

NOAH is exactly that. The makers of this movie, in my opinion, were not setting out to tell the story of Noah. If you want to see it, go watch a cartoon you were always shown in Sunday School. If you want to see it, go read Genesis. BUT, if you want to see the idea of Noah presented in a powerful, thought-provoking, fantastical (as in fantasy-like) way, go experience NOAH. For it truly is an experience.

What is the theme of the story of Noah? What is the idea? I've been thinking about this ever since I talked with my sister about her experience seeing this movie. She said Noah was, for her, always a story of obedience. For me, Noah was always a story of..... well, I didn't even really know. For Darren Aronofsky, Noah is a story of starting over. So many different ways of getting off the path intended for you and various ways of getting back on. That was the driving theme of this movie-- people getting off a path and how to get back on it. 

Humanity, for example, had strayed so far off the path intended for them by the Creator. (It didn't really bother me that they never called him God because the movie is about creation. Creating new life, creating original life so it seemed fit to call him by that title.) Aronofsky's depiction of the evil humanity had succumbed to was both subtle and in your face. I finally understood what the Bible meant by saying men were so wicked it disgusted God. I was disgusted by humans in that movie; by their subtle pride and reliance on themselves alone, to their destruction of the creations around them, to the cold, hard hearts. Sometimes, we get so far off the path that there is no way to get back on but by starting completely over. Thus, the Creator decided to wipe humanity off the Earth and start again. Try again. So he did.... obviously by a flood because that's the story.

But Aronofsky and and Handel (the second writer) didn't stop there. They saw and portrayed other examples of getting off the path. They used this biblical story as an avenue for exploring that.

Noah himself got off the path. He became so blinded by one commandment, one idea-- the wickedness of man-- that he forgot all other commandments. He was consumed with wanting to be so obedient because he could feel the weight of his calling. Could this be a commentary on religion in general-- how sometimes extremists focus so much on one commandment, they forget about mercy, love, change, and faith? Yes. This idea is both universal and personal. I found myself reflecting of how often I've done that in my life-- and how, like Noah, I learned to get back on the real path. Noah did it through realizing the love in his heart, taking control over his own decisions rather than assuming God would take control, and through forgiveness. Making Noah human made him real.

Sometimes we get off the path because we do not allow ourselves to get on it. We do not allow ourselves the happiness the Creator intended for us. Ila (Emma Watson's character) went through that journey. She did not let herself on that path because of she was damaged (I don't want to give too much away!). Whether it be through tragedy, illness, disabilities, circumstances-- we are not on the path of the Creator but just as with Ila, it is through God's mercy that we can begin walking. Ila's story hit me more than others perhaps because I'm a woman so I felt as though I could understand exactly what she was feeling and so, when the Creator blessed her, his mercy and love overwhelmed me to tears. Truly God is good. He does want us to be on the path of happiness.

You know, I said a silent prayer in my heart as the movie was starting. I said "God, I want to see beauty. I want to understand." I saw. I understood. And I'm grateful for the artists who were brave enough, inspired enough to create an avenue where I could draw closer to the Creator, be inspired to be a kinder human to all creations, and feel hope that no matter how I get off the path I can always get back on. 

When life starts feeling like an E! True Hollywood Story...

You know how in  E! True Hollywood Stories, they always break up a person's life into sections or "chapters"?  (Example: The Younger Years or A Star is Born) Yeah.... I do that. Funny thing about breaking your life into chapters-- you never really know when the next one is going to start. 

My life chapters have thus far been marked by events. "[Insert event] changed my life! Put my on a totally different trajectory!" So.... naturally, when I got home from my Mormon mission, I had this feeling that the chapter which began with that life-changing 18 months would last past my mission, through graduating college, and through anything else that would come my way until...... I became a "wife". Marriage was a logical next "big step which changes my life path forever (dun, dun dunnnnnnn)" But, remember how I said you can't really know when the next chapter is gonna start? Yeah........ 

The universe (or God or hindsight or [insert own noun]) blessed me this summer with seeing that this monumental day, my 26th birthday-- the day when I officially become closer to 30 than 20-- the day I officially feel old-- the day I'm not particularly excited about (I have this thing about even birthdays; I'm more of an odd number fan)-- would mark that next chapter. I know. I know. No event has kicked started this new era unless you want to count "finishing off a summer of being the world's greatest bum" as a special event. No real life epiphanies either. It just kind of happened. 

So what does this mean? I haven't the faintest idea. That's the other thing-- you can't really guess what the theme for your current chapter would be. I almost feel like that is messing with fate or destiny or something. It's trying to figure out the lesson before living through the trial. BUT, I do know what will end with the beginning of this new chapter.... and what most likely will continue. 

I'm saying goodbye to the land that has stubbornly planted itself in my heart- Utah. I'm not sure if it was Utah itself or if it was the people I met here, the college I attended, the adventures I had but our joint roller coaster ride through these past 7 years will forever bear their mark on my soul (to be a bit dramatic... which I can be... because I'm old now). Utah is to me what the blue blanket was to Linus; it was my security blanket that I literally felt afraid to go without.  But, just as Linus eventually left his "blankie" most likely to be put in his childhood box, so is Utah becoming a land of my past-- not my future.  

I'm also saying goodbye to the my most favorite outlook on life-- my beloved Peter Pan complex. I don't want to grow up; I don't like change; I like being able to do what I want, when I want; and I do believe in fairies. All the responsibility of being an adult seems so burdenous (I'm pretty sure this isn't an actual word but I like it so I'm gonna keep it) to me. You mean I now have to take responsibility for my actions? You mean I can't always just do what I want but perhaps should put aside my feelings for the greater good? You mean sometimes I have to take a job for the sole purpose of paying the bills? I DON'T WANT TO! (See? I told you I have a problem).  

I've come to realize that my Peter Pan complex is actually hurting me more than it's helping. I think Peter never realized that growing up doesn't mean you have to stop believing in fairies, or stop going on make-believe adventures. It simply means your world changes from you being the sun to the actual sun being the sun.....? I guess what I'm trying to say is being an adult has more to do with learning to be selfless and responsible than it does with no longer having "fun". I'll have to let you know how this pans out. ("Pan"... no pun intended... although that was pretty good....). 

There is one last thing I've realized about marking your life into chapters: simply because a chapter ends, doesn't mean the struggles end with it. This one is the biggest bummer of them all. I mean, shouldn't a new chapter give you a fresh start or something? A clean slate or at least the struggles of the past chapter be wrapped up nicely in the end. Although..... maybe, just maybe, the fresh start comes not in having troubles no longer but in having a new perspective on how to overcome them. Yeah.... I think that is it. It's almost like when you get to a new level in a game and you get a special power or some weapon or something gets "unlocked". I think I like that way of thinking better, it's more of a challenge (and if there is one thing Peter Pan loved more than Neverland, it was a challenge). 

Okay, this is long enough. Perhaps I'll learn how to stop rambling in this next chapter..... My dear friends, here's to a new chapter in the AWESOME life that belongs to Corrine Anne Christison.