"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than she seeks"

The key to overcoming the fears which plague us in mortality is learning to see ourselves for what we really are.


I am not merely as majestic as the Rockies,
As delicate as the meadows,
As breathtaking as the sunset,
As hopeful as the sunrise,
As constant as the tide,
As powerful as lightening,
As unpredictable as hail,
As determined as a river.


No. I am not my own separate reservoir of power. I am not separated from the divinity which surrounds me. I am part of it.

Therefore, I am the Rockies.
I am the meadows.
I am the sunset and the sunrise.
I am the tide.
I am lightening.
I am hail.
I am river.

And if I am all of those things, how can I fail? How can I fail to be anything other than determined, unpredictable, powerful, constant, hopeful, breathtaking, delicate and majestic?

The answer is, I cannot. Nature does more than teach, inspire, give... nature connects us with the invincibility of our own soul.

The unedited, rambling thoughts of an overwhelmed mind.

It is amazing how a conversation with a friend will have a ripple effect in your soul. I think that really happens when such friends are connected with the Spirit, with eternity that they say things that resonate with you and cause you to really step back and think. (So I thank you Nicole Houghton for being such a spiritual, strong woman... and for loving me unconditionally). But what our conversation caused me to think was.... Am I being selfish? Am I choosing the wrong path because part of life is sucking it up and obeying even when we don't want to? I think that is what I thought for a long time. Obedience is the most important thing.

Then I went on a journey. A journey where I've been trying to discover more than obedience and I've found it. Countless scriptures tell us "by the law none are saved", "we are saved through Christ"; "offer up yourself as a sacrifice, not your obedience". So I decided to focus on that more-- offering up myself by first discovering who that is; by building a relationship with God; with Christ. As I've done that it has taken me down a different path.  Am I deceiving myself into believing that the rules don't apply to me? Or they do but just not right now? Am I forsaking the cross because I want to do bad things? 

I know it's not the last one. Not wholly.  My intentions I feel have always been noble-- or at least innocent. I am as a child asking God "Why?" over and over again till if he weren't perfect, he would've become very annoyed. Am I like Martin Harris, who after repeated asking, God finally says "do what you want"?  I"m sure some people see me that way-- one a path being deceived by the Devil himself. They aren't judging per say but rather, they are saddened. Worried. 

I recently watched The Saratov Approach. In it, one of the Elders tells his story about deciding to go on a mission. He decided not to go but one day at church, he realized Jesus didn't want to suffer. He wanted a way out but he said, "not my will but thine" so this Elder realized, "I can do what I don't want to if it be the will of the Father." So he went. That story keeps coming back to me. The idea of 'carrying the cross', 'not my will but thine'. Am I not doing that? Am I being selfish? But what if I feel like this IS his will? That my soul is calling em on a journey and I accepted, sometimes going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down? Or I understand the scarlet A that will be my marker by sharing these things but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like, in some strange way, I'm fulfilling my destiny by embarking on this adventure. Almost like an anthropologist who goes off to live in another culture-- experience everything-- so she can understand and then hope to help the world see. 

Can I still be an example of a stalwart disciple of Jesus Christ? Can I still be someone others look up to? Some may not. Perhaps I will lose some people but I think those I can help understand more, love more will be who I need to be reaching at this moment. My actions will glorify God because I'm learning more about him as I go on this journey. That is the sole purpose of it-- let go and let God. To know Him and Jesus Christ in a way I've never known them before. I have learned more about the Atoning Sacrifice of our Savior this time reading the Book of Mormon (with these new eyes) than I ever have before. I have learned more about my divine design and destiny; the importance of loving God and your neighbor; more about how to love God with all your might, mind, and strength; more about faith, hope and charity; more about the power of God. Could I be learning all that if I was off the beaten path? If I was being led by Satan? Would my heart yearn for a close relationship with my Savior if I was being deceived by his one true enemy?

No. I would deny him. I wouldn't seek to glorify him or honor him. I wouldn't want to wear a cross so all would know I follow him. I wouldn't want to bridge the gap between atheists and believes; Christians and non- Christians. I wouldn't respect nor admire those around me with steadfast faith and obedience in God's commandments. Look at the fallen in the scriptures-- they do not act this way. "By their fruits ye shall know them." I am more committed to Jesus Christ than I have ever been because only with understanding can I understand that I don't understand. Only by searching, seeking, opening myself up do I realize I need him. I don't know why He is the way, the truth, and the light or even how he is but I know he is. It is as simple as my faith is growing. 

So I will continue on this journey until I have learned what i need to learn. And something tells me I'm not even close to done because the more layers you peel back, the harder each layer gets. I am being challenged and tested with harder trials, more complex ideas, more unknown circumstances. But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

One life. One chance to get it right.

After much thought, I have decided to leave most of my thoughts for another day because this is a journey I want to document right-- giving each chapter it's proper due. So thus I begin with my preface... my introduction... my statement of intent.

I want to be honest. I want people to see. I want people to understand. I want people to love more honestly. I want people to know they are not alone if they are struggling too. I want people to see me for who I really am in this moment- not who I used to be or who they want me to be. I want people to see the profound peace and light that's possible when we answer the call of our soul. I want people to see the struggles of someone shedding the chains of society. I  want people to see just one way to let go and let God work his mighty miracles in someone's life. I want people to see that the soul really can heal the pain, mistakes, weaknesses that we inevitably experience in this mortal existence. i want people to see just how truly infinite we really are-- infinite in our being, in our potential and in our power for good.

With that wish, I give you a list. This list, though not conclusive, are the philosophies/beliefs that are most important to me right now in my life. These are my morals. They are my guiding lights.

1. I believe above all else in love. Pure, unadulterated, liberated love has the power to change ourselves, change our relationships, and change the world. So I have decided to love-- without labels, without restrictions, without ego. You see, "love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective." This means learning to love another person-- irregardless of their station in life, their gender, their religion.

2. My Soul, that spark of Divinity within me, will guide me to the experiences/people/places I need to so the River of Life will smooth the jagged edges of my imperfect Being.  "We... are here for the purpose of gaining all the knowledge and experience which can be obtained through earthly existence, of developing virtues which we lack and of wiping out all that is wrong with us, thus advancing towards the perfection of our natures. The Soul knows what environment and what circumstances will be enable us to do this, and hence He places us in that branch of life most suited for that object." Well said, Dr. Bach, well said.

3. I believe in seeking out the Truth wherever it may be found. I have found Truth already in the Book of Mormon and will continue to search that godly book for more Truth. I have found truth in books written by spiritual guides, former Monks, English doctors. I have found Truth in spending quality time with Mother Earth. I have found Truth when conversing with new friends, old friends, family and strangers.You know Truth when it fills your Being with light, with peace, with the feeling of godliness.

4. Let Go and Let God... Let go of the past. Let go of the future. "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have." Only then, only by immersing yourself in the present moment can God work his miracles. For that is how Nephi lived his life-- being led by the Spirit not knowing before what he should do. We could all learn from Winnie the Pooh-- "What day is it?" Pooh asked. "It's today," squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. Let today be your favorite day.


I'm striving to follow my Soul wherever it leads. This path may look crooked to some but I know, as long as I'm facing the Light, I cannot be in the wrong. I look forward to sharing my thoughts, my experiences, my trials, my joys with those who will take time to listen. 

Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith

My ride home from work takes me right along a river. The sun was setting and the river was perfectly still. I was breathing, taking it all in and the words of Jesus came to mind:

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin"

How can it be that it comes so easy to trust (or one could even say "believe") that the sun will rise each day yet when it comes to trusting in the Master of all creations or the very laws which make the sun rise, we hesitate and stumble? 

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding"

My own understanding is very limited; that is what's so frustrating about being mere mortals. If you are anything like me, I take comfort in reassurances. Fine, if I'm being totally honest, I need it so bad I"ll take it from random strangers. But that, I am coming to learn, means you do not really trust. I spent 26 years of my life thinking I trusted in God, believed he would take care of me but I don't. Not really. My trust comes in the form of "You're gonna take care of me... right?" or "Yeah, yeah.... I'm going to be okay. Yeah, I got this... yeah, here's a list of 435 reasons why this is a good idea. Yeah... we got this". Shocking the universe doesn't think I really trust it right?

There was a family of ducks crossing the river today. I thought to myself, "I bet the only thing that mother duck is thinking about is the fact that she's in the water, crossing to the other side with her babies. She is not chatting with her girlfriends, seeking confidence that crossing the river is a good idea. She simply knows." She trusts in herself, in nature, in her Creator.  She trusts just as the river she swims in trusts that if it needs to go somewhere, the wind will provide the way.

Oh how I longed to be as trusting as Mother Duck or Brother River in that moment. How I longed to have the peace which "passes all understanding". Such peace that surely only comes when trust is in your heart; from knowing that as surely as the sun will rise, so shall you. Each day.

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that [trust] him."

So how? How do I be like Mother Duck? How do I begin?
Step One--  "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have."
Step Two-- Take a deep breath and leap.
Step Three-- Remember the lilies.  

The Square

It was in middle school. I was doing my normal "reading the newspaper purely for the comics" when I stopped to read an article. It told of a child abuse case in which this little boy's parents beat him with an electrical cord. They did other forms of abuse but that was the one that stuck out to me. My sheltered reality came tumbling down and there, admist the rubble, stood a girl who could not fathom why anyone would want to hurt a child in such a way. And then I remember the clear desire to hold that little boy in my arms and make sure no one ever hurt him again. It was that day I decided to become a children's social worker. My dreams have taken many forms since then but that story has remained with me, haunting me.

What did that boy need? What do the millions of children around the world need? Something stuck out ot me at the very end of The Square (a documentary of Egypt's revolutions on Netflix. Check it out!). Ahmed, one of the revolutionaries, said that he wasn't looking for a leader in Egypt, "someone to rule over us" but rather, he was looking to create a conscience. That is what would rule Egypt.

Conscience (n): 1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives,              impelling one toward right action
       2. the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the               actions and thoughts of an individual
     
If we created a conscience, then good leaders would naturally rise. Or would we even need them at all? Replace "conscience" with "love":

If all of us had perfect love for every other person,

there would then be no need to have any other laws 

or commandments. Each of us would base his/her thoughts,

actions, and statements upon how they affected every other

soul, and we would do, think and say nothing that might

be harmful to another.

To build a global conscience where love was the rule of law would require more time and effort and resources than we might have the capacity to give. But that does not mean we stop striving. "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37). God. That is the key. Not so much converting people to your religion because we know that often creates more problems than it solves but it's remembering what is good about your religion. The compassion. The charity. The forgiveness. The hope. The selflessness. The holiness.That is the conscience this world so sorely needs.

Every aspect of the universe is breathing with life, with energy:: every person, every object, every animal. There energies collide as two ripples in a pond. Everyone is affected whether you are aware of it or not. In this way, every interaction we have produces a new energy that is sent out in the universe-- a good energy or a bad energy.

 I went to a mediation class last Saturday. The mentor taught us a mantra that was important he said: "I am nothing. I know nothing. I want for nothing." Every time I said "I am nothing" my body rejected it. "I am not nothing", my soul said to me, "I am everything. I am the light from the sun. I am the sound of the birds I hear outside. I am the love I feel for my friends and family. I am ......" So that must mean I am literally made up of all the energy I surround myself with every day. I am only because of my interactions with others. It is what creates me. It is what makes my existence real.

Now what if this energy being created was the way to create a conscience. We need to be creating positive energy so that the conscience we are building is a positive one. How do we do this? By having positive interactions with everything around us. This is more than a good word exchanged between friends once a month.

 What would happen if all the food we ate was grown with love and eaten with gratitude? What would happen if when walking home from work or school, you thanked the trees for giving you shade? Stopped to smell the beautiful flowers in bloom? Didn't kill the bug you found in your room but rather scooped it up with a paper and took it outside?

What would happen if every time you went to the grocery store, you smiled, talked with, loved the person scanning your groceries? Or when you went to the movie theater, do you bother to call the workers by their name? I mean, they do wear name tags don't they?

What if we took advantage of the thousands of opportunities presented to us each day? These connections do more than create love, peace, happiness and place it out in the universe-- they weave together fibers connecting all one to another. Soon, those fibers become stronger, unbreakable until the world is blanketed with the fabric of love. Love is the strongest material there is.

So what do I need to do? That was my original question. What is my role in all of this? I need to be more aware of the energy I'm creating with others. I need to learn more about Futbol so the next time I'm in a pub in a foreign land, I can make conversation with the fellows watching the latest Euro match. I need to kill less bugs; spend more time outside creating bonds with Mother Earth. I can learn basic nursing so when there is a sickness around, I can offer loving, knowledgeable hands to help. I can buy an acre of land and plant fruit trees so my whole neighborhood can enjoy the fruits of summer. I can start looking people in the eye so they know I truly see them; really learn their names and call them by it so they know they're more than just a face.

I need to be so committed to the idea that love is what the world needs that I literally become love. Personify it. Embody it in body, spirit, mind.