"It is better to pass through sorrow...."

"And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient." (Moses 5:10-11)

I have thought a lot about Adam and Eve, especially Eve in these past few months. Struck by Eve's responses to the whole experience-- "It is better to pass through all this hardness, sorrow, and toil so that we can know good from evil"-- I've wondered why she would say something like that? Why, for her, was it not enough to simply believe God when he said "Don't eat this." It was enough for Adam. Was it simply because Satan was so tempting, so good that Eve couldn't handle it? Or did she know something-- know the value of knowing for oneself? 

Many an apostle or prophet say that we don't need to make mistakes because we can learn from others. Yes, sometimes we can. Sometimes we can read the scriptures or watch our loved ones make mistakes and say "I don't want to do that." But sometimes, that is not enough. We have to know for ourselves.

 I am an extremely curious person. Always have been. (Ask the parentals). I want to know things. I want to experience all that mortality has to offer.  I am not satisfied by reading or listening to stories told. I remember, it was my sophomore year of college. My sister was going through a really rough time and I had a roommate who was going to a school psychologist. Depression, she said it was. I decided to join her one day-- I've always been curious about the "lay on a couch and spill your guts" experience. I was filling out the forms and it asked if I was depressed or sad or whatnot. I remember writing "No, but I want to be." I wanted to be depressed so I could know what my sister and roommate was going through. I wanted to know what that was like. I was curious about that mortal experience of being. 

It is not enough for me to take other people's word; it is not enough to see other's suffering. I want to understand their suffering in the realist way possible-- by suffering with them. 

So Eve wanted her eyes opened so she could know good and evil; sorrow and joy; pleasure and pain; obedience and sin. Granted, this is all just the Gospel according to Corrine.  There's another theory I heard from a friend of mine that really rang true to me-- she said, perhaps God would have eventually told Adam and Eve to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil; the test therefore wasn't a black and white "never do this" but rather a test in God's timing. "Don't eat this because you are not ready; because it is not time; and in my own time, I will command you to eat." Does that sound familiar? "I'm not telling you to not have sex, I'm telling you to not have sex until you are married."/ "Wait to go to the temple until you are ready to make those covenants. It is not for everyone, at any time. There is a time and place for it." 

So, perhaps it wasn't so much curiosity but instead, Eve jumped the gun a little bit. She didn't want to wait, or perhaps the temptation was too great, or perhaps she lacked faith in God's timing. She may have been the first, but she most certainly wasn't the last to be guilty of such a charge.

Now, the point of all this rambling is because I wonder why I've been trying to live my life as an Adam all while secretly being an Eve. And why, now of all times, I've decided to accept being an Eve. 

I know that it isn't the ideal way to learn things. Sometimes I tell myself, "if only you had more faith Corrine", "just read your scriptures, go to church, pray and you'll be satisfied", "you don't have to do this", "just trust in God", "obedience is the key" .....  But for some reason I can't,, or I won't, say no. I give in. My only hope is that, like Eve, I will not only open my eyes, learn the good from the evil but that I will also be able to see and rejoice in the sweetness of my redemption. 

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than she seeks"

The key to overcoming the fears which plague us in mortality is learning to see ourselves for what we really are.


I am not merely as majestic as the Rockies,
As delicate as the meadows,
As breathtaking as the sunset,
As hopeful as the sunrise,
As constant as the tide,
As powerful as lightening,
As unpredictable as hail,
As determined as a river.


No. I am not my own separate reservoir of power. I am not separated from the divinity which surrounds me. I am part of it.

Therefore, I am the Rockies.
I am the meadows.
I am the sunset and the sunrise.
I am the tide.
I am lightening.
I am hail.
I am river.

And if I am all of those things, how can I fail? How can I fail to be anything other than determined, unpredictable, powerful, constant, hopeful, breathtaking, delicate and majestic?

The answer is, I cannot. Nature does more than teach, inspire, give... nature connects us with the invincibility of our own soul.

The unedited, rambling thoughts of an overwhelmed mind.

It is amazing how a conversation with a friend will have a ripple effect in your soul. I think that really happens when such friends are connected with the Spirit, with eternity that they say things that resonate with you and cause you to really step back and think. (So I thank you Nicole Houghton for being such a spiritual, strong woman... and for loving me unconditionally). But what our conversation caused me to think was.... Am I being selfish? Am I choosing the wrong path because part of life is sucking it up and obeying even when we don't want to? I think that is what I thought for a long time. Obedience is the most important thing.

Then I went on a journey. A journey where I've been trying to discover more than obedience and I've found it. Countless scriptures tell us "by the law none are saved", "we are saved through Christ"; "offer up yourself as a sacrifice, not your obedience". So I decided to focus on that more-- offering up myself by first discovering who that is; by building a relationship with God; with Christ. As I've done that it has taken me down a different path.  Am I deceiving myself into believing that the rules don't apply to me? Or they do but just not right now? Am I forsaking the cross because I want to do bad things? 

I know it's not the last one. Not wholly.  My intentions I feel have always been noble-- or at least innocent. I am as a child asking God "Why?" over and over again till if he weren't perfect, he would've become very annoyed. Am I like Martin Harris, who after repeated asking, God finally says "do what you want"?  I"m sure some people see me that way-- one a path being deceived by the Devil himself. They aren't judging per say but rather, they are saddened. Worried. 

I recently watched The Saratov Approach. In it, one of the Elders tells his story about deciding to go on a mission. He decided not to go but one day at church, he realized Jesus didn't want to suffer. He wanted a way out but he said, "not my will but thine" so this Elder realized, "I can do what I don't want to if it be the will of the Father." So he went. That story keeps coming back to me. The idea of 'carrying the cross', 'not my will but thine'. Am I not doing that? Am I being selfish? But what if I feel like this IS his will? That my soul is calling em on a journey and I accepted, sometimes going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down? Or I understand the scarlet A that will be my marker by sharing these things but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like, in some strange way, I'm fulfilling my destiny by embarking on this adventure. Almost like an anthropologist who goes off to live in another culture-- experience everything-- so she can understand and then hope to help the world see. 

Can I still be an example of a stalwart disciple of Jesus Christ? Can I still be someone others look up to? Some may not. Perhaps I will lose some people but I think those I can help understand more, love more will be who I need to be reaching at this moment. My actions will glorify God because I'm learning more about him as I go on this journey. That is the sole purpose of it-- let go and let God. To know Him and Jesus Christ in a way I've never known them before. I have learned more about the Atoning Sacrifice of our Savior this time reading the Book of Mormon (with these new eyes) than I ever have before. I have learned more about my divine design and destiny; the importance of loving God and your neighbor; more about how to love God with all your might, mind, and strength; more about faith, hope and charity; more about the power of God. Could I be learning all that if I was off the beaten path? If I was being led by Satan? Would my heart yearn for a close relationship with my Savior if I was being deceived by his one true enemy?

No. I would deny him. I wouldn't seek to glorify him or honor him. I wouldn't want to wear a cross so all would know I follow him. I wouldn't want to bridge the gap between atheists and believes; Christians and non- Christians. I wouldn't respect nor admire those around me with steadfast faith and obedience in God's commandments. Look at the fallen in the scriptures-- they do not act this way. "By their fruits ye shall know them." I am more committed to Jesus Christ than I have ever been because only with understanding can I understand that I don't understand. Only by searching, seeking, opening myself up do I realize I need him. I don't know why He is the way, the truth, and the light or even how he is but I know he is. It is as simple as my faith is growing. 

So I will continue on this journey until I have learned what i need to learn. And something tells me I'm not even close to done because the more layers you peel back, the harder each layer gets. I am being challenged and tested with harder trials, more complex ideas, more unknown circumstances. But I wouldn't have it any other way.