The unedited, rambling thoughts of an overwhelmed mind.

It is amazing how a conversation with a friend will have a ripple effect in your soul. I think that really happens when such friends are connected with the Spirit, with eternity that they say things that resonate with you and cause you to really step back and think. (So I thank you Nicole Houghton for being such a spiritual, strong woman... and for loving me unconditionally). But what our conversation caused me to think was.... Am I being selfish? Am I choosing the wrong path because part of life is sucking it up and obeying even when we don't want to? I think that is what I thought for a long time. Obedience is the most important thing.

Then I went on a journey. A journey where I've been trying to discover more than obedience and I've found it. Countless scriptures tell us "by the law none are saved", "we are saved through Christ"; "offer up yourself as a sacrifice, not your obedience". So I decided to focus on that more-- offering up myself by first discovering who that is; by building a relationship with God; with Christ. As I've done that it has taken me down a different path.  Am I deceiving myself into believing that the rules don't apply to me? Or they do but just not right now? Am I forsaking the cross because I want to do bad things? 

I know it's not the last one. Not wholly.  My intentions I feel have always been noble-- or at least innocent. I am as a child asking God "Why?" over and over again till if he weren't perfect, he would've become very annoyed. Am I like Martin Harris, who after repeated asking, God finally says "do what you want"?  I"m sure some people see me that way-- one a path being deceived by the Devil himself. They aren't judging per say but rather, they are saddened. Worried. 

I recently watched The Saratov Approach. In it, one of the Elders tells his story about deciding to go on a mission. He decided not to go but one day at church, he realized Jesus didn't want to suffer. He wanted a way out but he said, "not my will but thine" so this Elder realized, "I can do what I don't want to if it be the will of the Father." So he went. That story keeps coming back to me. The idea of 'carrying the cross', 'not my will but thine'. Am I not doing that? Am I being selfish? But what if I feel like this IS his will? That my soul is calling em on a journey and I accepted, sometimes going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down? Or I understand the scarlet A that will be my marker by sharing these things but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like, in some strange way, I'm fulfilling my destiny by embarking on this adventure. Almost like an anthropologist who goes off to live in another culture-- experience everything-- so she can understand and then hope to help the world see. 

Can I still be an example of a stalwart disciple of Jesus Christ? Can I still be someone others look up to? Some may not. Perhaps I will lose some people but I think those I can help understand more, love more will be who I need to be reaching at this moment. My actions will glorify God because I'm learning more about him as I go on this journey. That is the sole purpose of it-- let go and let God. To know Him and Jesus Christ in a way I've never known them before. I have learned more about the Atoning Sacrifice of our Savior this time reading the Book of Mormon (with these new eyes) than I ever have before. I have learned more about my divine design and destiny; the importance of loving God and your neighbor; more about how to love God with all your might, mind, and strength; more about faith, hope and charity; more about the power of God. Could I be learning all that if I was off the beaten path? If I was being led by Satan? Would my heart yearn for a close relationship with my Savior if I was being deceived by his one true enemy?

No. I would deny him. I wouldn't seek to glorify him or honor him. I wouldn't want to wear a cross so all would know I follow him. I wouldn't want to bridge the gap between atheists and believes; Christians and non- Christians. I wouldn't respect nor admire those around me with steadfast faith and obedience in God's commandments. Look at the fallen in the scriptures-- they do not act this way. "By their fruits ye shall know them." I am more committed to Jesus Christ than I have ever been because only with understanding can I understand that I don't understand. Only by searching, seeking, opening myself up do I realize I need him. I don't know why He is the way, the truth, and the light or even how he is but I know he is. It is as simple as my faith is growing. 

So I will continue on this journey until I have learned what i need to learn. And something tells me I'm not even close to done because the more layers you peel back, the harder each layer gets. I am being challenged and tested with harder trials, more complex ideas, more unknown circumstances. But I wouldn't have it any other way.